this is the way it should be, light and dark, skin against skin, words returned. love holds grievances this morning. 

instead, silence, Saturn up there sneering. 

i want to write you a note, she said, the note will say: 

i want to write you a note, my fingers the ink, your body the paper. 

but your body is far away. i have no words, no metal blanket, no cold covering.

 

 

 

 

i take it back, i'd said, will endure suffering for intense love affair. 

remedy for a broken heart

dream series

 i dreamed i saw a shaman, a teacher, who gave me herbs to take for healing. we stayed in a village, surrounded by nature. i wonder if i'm being called to leave the city. 

repost art from 2016 - favorite. i live by this. 

best thing worst thing series

best thing: legs intertwined

worst thing: wishing things were different

raw, love; love dreams

from undetermined era probably 2019

letter to protectors
to my army

as babies, we are held in nurturance.*
as children, we explore freely, guided by the gates and padded walls of our elders' word.
as teens, we begin to see that we have agency and sight, opinion.
as young people we experience the freedom and responsibility of adulthood.
we find our paths. we study, work, play and rest.
as parents, we learn that our parents were exhausted, and exhilerated with the gift of ushering in a new being. the holding on, the letting go.
as business people we walk lightly, we express our needs, and understand how to move within our own boundaries.
in relationship, we see how we are seen.

i look at my life.

born of two strong, beautiful humans; they themselves born of strong, caring and hard working parents, and those before them, and on and on.

born into laughter. tall grasses. warm sand and cool waves. candy and bubble baths and music. pain and longing and learning to read, learning to draw, learning that it hurts when we don't receive the energy that is essential for our thriving.

we may witness abuse, we may be abused, neglected, or left alone.

as we heal, we begin to understand the power of acceptance. we know we can control our reactions, our responses. forgiveness.

everything we do is to give or to receive love.

our work is to remain in our light.

our work is to reach out for help when needed, to show up, to appreciate what's right in front of us, to rest, to play, to connect.

we dream.

you might think i'm crazy; all i want is you.

*trauma is healable. we must listen, allow the heart to feel; we need to cry, laugh, dance and sit quietly with our bodies. everything is given. all is healed.

best things worst things series

worst thing- anguish and grief and loneliness and needing more 

best thing: danny in his undies :) 

best thing series

it must've been love but it's over now; daddy cool and the paper clip and Church and money

dreams/thoughts series

X

and pulling teeth out

are your thoughts true?

can you feel it?

so many songs.
i dreamed of a spider crawling down by me, me trying to catch the silk to redirect it off of me. looked it up. create, create, create (medicine cards).
i can't believe its been a whole day. wtf. my mental state spun and spun and i'm exhausted.
and then... i dreamed of a very unsettled house. my room kept changing shape. i didn't know my housemate's name.
and then i made a playlist among them feel it by kate bush, everybody wants you original version, blame it on the boogie. #lovealways
fucking not mary poppins over here.

detachment, what is love series

i am love
i am what i receive
i am
how come you don't call me anymore
i am
everybody wants you
i am
shit ain't really working out
i am
ooooh i wanna dance with somebody
i am
let me put my love into you
i am
i want to leave you uplifted and inspired
i am
unknowing
i am
giving what i want to get
i am
life ain't nothin but bitches and money
i am
you don't want to fall in love with me
i am
can't touch this
i am
i just wanna make out in my car
i am
even freedom craves touch
i am loss
i am love
i am
my break up playlist
and my falling in love playlist
i am death
i am raindrops
i am a tooth
i am a kitten
i am the photograph on my wall
i am a dream
i am sex
the wind blowing pictures off the dresser
i am pure awareness.
my love is peace.

i am
i am
i am
i am
mutherfkr i am

all the things
the bits of glass
the broken string
i am thanks for introducing me to the chief

i am wanted

cherished, respected, admired, adored and desired

i am good giving and game and i am on a mission from gaaaad

spirit, dream series

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

i am spirit.

this was a song that hasn't been produced. rap. trap.  friend of mine is inviting an oracle divination card art project. reverence. (sarcasm.) devotion. acceptance. vulnerability. what is time? time isn't holding us, time isn't after us. and yet we die. all i want to do is love.

lay your hands on me

desire is to peanut butter, as suffering is to arugula

amateur buddhism! doesn't even quite make sense. i prefer 'you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!'

but i digress. the whole thing is supposed to be about detachment. that desire is the root of suffering. which is why people breathe in groups. it's soothing, and it kind of reminds you that you are not this. in fact i really don't understand the whole peanut butter arugula metaphor. but it was meant to alleviate suffering, so.

and the song of the day, as a reminder, is
lighten up, by the beastie boys

what you won’t do for love

you tried everything and you won’t give up
#soul

basically, feed me

can someone just lay me down and drop a grape or two into my mouth? rub my calves with almond oil and peppermint? brush the lines on my brow. and kiss below my ears so gently. i'm tired. my mother isn't here. and i'm too old for my father to father me.

dreams, no dreams series

y’ever have those suggestive dreams that try to convince you that something or someone is in reality something it/they most likely is/are not? and did you ever act on it and regret it, later realizing that ‘it was just a dream?’ as if, dreams are only always metaphor. only, always.

have you ever practiced just feeling your body breathing, feeling the breath move in and down and up and out? it’s really rich. let’s try it. okay feel the breath expand the chest and belly, lower abdomen, and into the genital area. now exhale and imagine the breath rising up the spine and out the top of the head. i suspect it’s alright to switch directions. yeah i was listening to david deida. and, another book i have on the shelf about circular breathing. i think that’s what grown ups do.

dammit. rules.

rule #1. no breaking up in hot tubs.
rule #2. no dating poets.
rule #3. two drink maximum.
4. use your turn signals
5. do the right thing

and rule #6. do not make 99 problems and a bitch ain't one your theme song for dating.

the occasional chill

[title reference to the legalization of marijuana]

dreamed of a talked about piece of artwork called the sun. finally towards the end of the dream, this work showed itself: it was a moving triptych, vertical framed photographs that, like augmented reality, changed like a live sunset depending on which way you rotated the frames.

the other dreams have been lofty loverly hopeful flying and something about lizard children.

it's a new year soon. things end and begin here we are. still the most important things are free, and usually right in front of us. i think this is loneliness. 

my favorite shoes i never wear, and

my favorite band is cocorosie.

po'try

t.s. eliot: distracted from distraction by distraction.

distraction: from latin, dis-trahere, to pull apart.

to divert full attention

ah ha, if to pull apart, focus in different directions, then, where is center? is not center always present? which is why the metaphor of yoga appeals: pulling in opposite directions, yet always centered. focus on the constancy, repetition of the breath.

peace is in emptiness.

and, prince

rejoice

https://youtu.be/CoaXgiCA_C4

forgiveness is a direct statement of connection. 

know your internal landscape.  

you are love. you are love. you are loved. you are loving. you matter. that is all you have come here for. your heart is worth everything. 

but the best thing; contrast series

i saw and felt and tasted many beautiful things this weekend, including the rudolf steiner center garden, the lotus center home, aba daba something, happy om, you faerie, grace jones for the first time, my lover's eyes and surrender in body, the moon, my son exclaiming lovingly about a spider in the bush, rock and broken glass, eucalyptus vibrant rainbow leaves, a hawk, or two, a lone coyote, aries vegan poet nutritonist friend's black bean drop off, gay spirited lean black angst knowing, resistance and teaching binary language to said son, ex lover now non separate dream friend, another's pregnant dreams, a two waterfall pool, craft trade business model in the flesh of a blond 41 year old connected thing, lavender cotton baby shorts for a brand new baby life, yet unnamed, yet unlived, a blurred and clear freeway at night; heard deep sound resonance, benign healing lechery, forgiveness and generosity, fuck off laughter, sprouted raw sheep cheese salad, salmon flavored five o'clock, crickets, whatsapp recordimg of radio pop songs on faithfulness, and my own and other's praise, words, essays and truths; but the best thing i witnessed was an overweight suburbian once lonely purposeless lost purposeful mom using a leaf blower to dust her SUV, parked on a cul de sac..